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Things continue stressful. I am hitting (perhaps later than most people) one of those periods of life where certain choices have really obvious giant trade-offs, and I'm a bit paralyzed by some of them. (Do we sell the house in Austin? What do we do about having too many pets for a rental place, if so? Should I try to go on a six-week trip to Greece this summer? How much longer can I put up with doing this kind of long distance thing, which I thought would not be this hard? Can I really be an academic and an SFF writer at the same time, and if I shelve the latter for a few years, how many friends drift away because of it?) It just seems like... I'm not smart enough or brave enough to make the decisions I need to make.
But not making a decision is also a decision, because options drop out, the longer you wait. (This is part of why I'm a PhD student at 36, and not, I don't know, 21. 25. 28. 32. Any of the times when I could've tried to do this earlier, and didn't, and time moved on.) Which is, ironically, part of the paralysis: the shame and terror associated with the easy path, which is to just let things keep on doing whatever they're doing, until it's not my fault, whatever I pick, because it's the only choice left.
This sounds grimmer than it is. I'm doing well overall, I think? Saw a fun movie last night, been getting some writing done, got a paper abstract accepted to CAMWS (and now I need to write the paper!), fairly caught up on homework so far this weekend. Got chores done. I'm being responsible.
But the future is always terrifying, and always slipping away. (Without even bringing political madness into it. Sigh. Well. At least it's not the 60s.) I'm trying to be more proactive. A little more ruthless, in taking care of myself. (Which often comes down to pruning social media. A friend stopped speaking to me for reasons I still don't quite understand? Okay, not going to keep trying! Someone keeps making me feel bad inadvertently by how they talk? Maybe it's better if I don't read them!) A little more gentle, in admitting that I can't do everything--and maybe it's better to do a few things decently than try to do them all perfectly and then be wretched when I fail.
I suppose this is halfway between a journal entry and a subtweet. Suffice to say: time marches onward, and the best I can do is try to keep up with it.
But not making a decision is also a decision, because options drop out, the longer you wait. (This is part of why I'm a PhD student at 36, and not, I don't know, 21. 25. 28. 32. Any of the times when I could've tried to do this earlier, and didn't, and time moved on.) Which is, ironically, part of the paralysis: the shame and terror associated with the easy path, which is to just let things keep on doing whatever they're doing, until it's not my fault, whatever I pick, because it's the only choice left.
This sounds grimmer than it is. I'm doing well overall, I think? Saw a fun movie last night, been getting some writing done, got a paper abstract accepted to CAMWS (and now I need to write the paper!), fairly caught up on homework so far this weekend. Got chores done. I'm being responsible.
But the future is always terrifying, and always slipping away. (Without even bringing political madness into it. Sigh. Well. At least it's not the 60s.) I'm trying to be more proactive. A little more ruthless, in taking care of myself. (Which often comes down to pruning social media. A friend stopped speaking to me for reasons I still don't quite understand? Okay, not going to keep trying! Someone keeps making me feel bad inadvertently by how they talk? Maybe it's better if I don't read them!) A little more gentle, in admitting that I can't do everything--and maybe it's better to do a few things decently than try to do them all perfectly and then be wretched when I fail.
I suppose this is halfway between a journal entry and a subtweet. Suffice to say: time marches onward, and the best I can do is try to keep up with it.