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[fadeaccompli]

I am worried about Aubrey. I mean...okay. It is long past the point of "worrying" because we know she's got terminal cancer. Her skin lumps are myriad and ever-growing. She's losing little clumps of fur constantly. She bleeds on things to the point that she's confined to the bathroom. But she still seeks out affection, and wails at the door if she doesn't get enough of it, and eats her food and uses her litterbox and begs for fresh water.

But...she's started throwing up a lot. Occasional food barfing is standard to cats, and not to be worried about. Occasional hairball horking, ditto. But she threw up three times yesterday, all watery stuff, with only one of those being plausibly hairball-related, and then again this morning. And she's started huddling more.

...but then half an hour later she's all whiny and affectionate and rubs her head against the faucet until we run water for her. So it doesn't seem like she's in such misery that I need to fix things. And let's be honest, here: by "fix things" I mean "put her to sleep" (which is such a terrible weasely euphemism itself), because there is no fixing this problem. Even palliative care wasn't palliating much. But it's so hard to tell with cats, and. And. I don't know. I don't want to let her go too long to assuage my own guilt. I don't want to end things too soon just to be over the uncertainty.

Cats. Hard to care for properly, sometimes.