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Cicero is doing some interesting things in this speech with false dilemmas; he's very fond of suggesting hypothetical events, and how either way it makes the prosecution look bad, without actually admitting the truth of any of it. Which is how he's about to start attacking Clodia viciously and at great length for all of the things Caelius has been accused of doing--and for being involved with Caelius at all!--without ever actually admitting that Caelius did any of these things or should be held similarly responsible.
He was a weasel, but there's definitely a reason we still read his speeches all these centuries later.
Chapter 31
I see the author of these two charges, I see their font, I see a certain name and origin. There was a need for gold; he got it from Clodia, he got it without a witness, he had it as long as he wished. I see quite the sign of a certain remarkable intimacy. He wished to kill the same woman; he sought poison, he bribed her slaves, he prepared the potion, he decided on a place, he undertook this secretly. On the contrary, I see quite the hatred has sprung up with a very cruel break-up. The heart of all this for us, judges, lies with Clodia, a woman not only noble but also...notable; and about whom I will say nothing, except for the sake of dispelling the charge.
Chapter 32
But you understand by virtue of your outstanding sensibility, Cn. Domitius, that for us there is only this one matter. And if she says that she did not provide gold to Caelius, if she does not argue that poison was prepared for her by that man--why, we'd be acting harshly, if we were calling into court a Mater Familias* in a way other than the sanctity of mothers demands. But if, when that woman was dumped, neither a charge nor resources for attacking Marcus Caelius had been given to the prosecution, what else is there that we defenders ought to do, except to drive back the men who are attacking? Indeed, I would be doing this more vehemently, if I were not opposed by hostilities with that woman's husband--brother, I meant to say. I always make that mistake. Now I will continue moderately, and not go on for longer than my loyalty and the case itself compel me to; for I think I ought to create no enmity towards this woman, especially with one whom all people always thought to be a friend** to all more than an enemy to anyone.
Chapter 33
But nevertheless I will first ask of her whether she would like me to conduct myself in a severe, serious, old-fashioned manner, or mildly and softly and urbanely. If by that harsh custom and manner, I'll stir up from the dead someone from those with full beards***, not this little beard which delights her but that bristling one which we see in ancient statues and death masks, who would speak in my place lest by some chance she become angry with me. So let someone from this family stand up, and in particular that famous Caecus^; for he will seize the least pain, who will not see this woman. And certainly, if he stands up, will go like this and ask thus: "Woman, what's with you and this Caelius, this very young man, this stranger? Why are you either so friendly that you're giving him gold, or so unfriendly that you fear poison? You didn't see your father, nor uncle, nor grandfather, nor great-grandfather, nor great-great-grandfather, nor great-great-great-grandfather, who were consuls.
Chapter 34^^
"And didn't I learn just now that you had married Q. Metellus, a most illustrious and strong man and most patriotic, who as soon as he set a foot outdoors surpassed nearly all as a citizen in virtue, glory, and duty? Since you had married into a most illustrious family from a most distinguished category, why was Caelius so connected with you? Was he a blood relative, an in-law, a friend of your husband? None of those things. So what was it, except a kind of recklessness and lust? If the death masks of your forefathers weren't moving you, and my descendant, that Quinta Claudia, did not warn you that the rival of domestic praise for a woman comes from fame, didn't that famous Vestal Virgin Claudia who on embracing her triumphant father suffered being dragged under a charior by a hostile plebeian tribune?
"Why did brotherly vices move you more strongly than paternal and ancestral virtues continuously done by us, repeated in men and even in women? Was it for this that I disrupted the peace with Pyrrhus, so that you might daily make treaties with the most wretched lovers? Did I lead out the water^^^ for that reason, so that you might use it unchastely? Did I build the road for that reason, so that you might frequent it as an escort to strange men?"
Chapter 35
But why have I, judges, brought a grim character on stage like this, when I may fear lest the same Appius should swiftly turn around and that woman begin to accuse Caelius harshly with her own censure? But I will see to this shortly and in this way, judges, that I am confident I will justify the life of Caelius to even the harshest judges.
Truly you, woman--for now I myself speak to you, with no play-acting involved--if you expect to test these things which you make, which you say, which you charge, which you attempt, then it is necessary that you render an account for and relate so great a familiarity, so great a habit, so great a bond of friendship. Indeed the prosecution keeps mentioning passions, loves, adultery, Baia, beach parties, dinner parties, carousing, songs, band music, and boat parties, and all the same they show that they say nothing about you having been invited. Whereas I don't know your mind, by which unbridled and impetuous thing you wished to be announced in the forum and in court, or it is proper that you explain, and show these things to be false, and confess that there is nothing to be believed in your charge or testimony.
---
* Literally, "mother of a family." Essentially, a well-born woman, especially a senator's wife.
** Note that the word used, "amicam", is both the female form of "friend" and also the word for "girlfriend". There's a lot of vicious wordplay in this sentence that I couldn't replicate very well.
*** Beard care--big unruly beards vs. trimmed smaller beards--was actually sort of an issue in the case, as Caelius's tidy beard was being seen as a sign that he belonged to Kids These Days With Their Fancy Haircuts.
^ A famous dead, blind censor who apparently opposed peace, and commissioned an aqueduct and a road.
^^ We're still in the hypothetical statements of a dead dude, here.
^^^ See the aqueduct note above.
He was a weasel, but there's definitely a reason we still read his speeches all these centuries later.
Chapter 31
I see the author of these two charges, I see their font, I see a certain name and origin. There was a need for gold; he got it from Clodia, he got it without a witness, he had it as long as he wished. I see quite the sign of a certain remarkable intimacy. He wished to kill the same woman; he sought poison, he bribed her slaves, he prepared the potion, he decided on a place, he undertook this secretly. On the contrary, I see quite the hatred has sprung up with a very cruel break-up. The heart of all this for us, judges, lies with Clodia, a woman not only noble but also...notable; and about whom I will say nothing, except for the sake of dispelling the charge.
Chapter 32
But you understand by virtue of your outstanding sensibility, Cn. Domitius, that for us there is only this one matter. And if she says that she did not provide gold to Caelius, if she does not argue that poison was prepared for her by that man--why, we'd be acting harshly, if we were calling into court a Mater Familias* in a way other than the sanctity of mothers demands. But if, when that woman was dumped, neither a charge nor resources for attacking Marcus Caelius had been given to the prosecution, what else is there that we defenders ought to do, except to drive back the men who are attacking? Indeed, I would be doing this more vehemently, if I were not opposed by hostilities with that woman's husband--brother, I meant to say. I always make that mistake. Now I will continue moderately, and not go on for longer than my loyalty and the case itself compel me to; for I think I ought to create no enmity towards this woman, especially with one whom all people always thought to be a friend** to all more than an enemy to anyone.
Chapter 33
But nevertheless I will first ask of her whether she would like me to conduct myself in a severe, serious, old-fashioned manner, or mildly and softly and urbanely. If by that harsh custom and manner, I'll stir up from the dead someone from those with full beards***, not this little beard which delights her but that bristling one which we see in ancient statues and death masks, who would speak in my place lest by some chance she become angry with me. So let someone from this family stand up, and in particular that famous Caecus^; for he will seize the least pain, who will not see this woman. And certainly, if he stands up, will go like this and ask thus: "Woman, what's with you and this Caelius, this very young man, this stranger? Why are you either so friendly that you're giving him gold, or so unfriendly that you fear poison? You didn't see your father, nor uncle, nor grandfather, nor great-grandfather, nor great-great-grandfather, nor great-great-great-grandfather, who were consuls.
Chapter 34^^
"And didn't I learn just now that you had married Q. Metellus, a most illustrious and strong man and most patriotic, who as soon as he set a foot outdoors surpassed nearly all as a citizen in virtue, glory, and duty? Since you had married into a most illustrious family from a most distinguished category, why was Caelius so connected with you? Was he a blood relative, an in-law, a friend of your husband? None of those things. So what was it, except a kind of recklessness and lust? If the death masks of your forefathers weren't moving you, and my descendant, that Quinta Claudia, did not warn you that the rival of domestic praise for a woman comes from fame, didn't that famous Vestal Virgin Claudia who on embracing her triumphant father suffered being dragged under a charior by a hostile plebeian tribune?
"Why did brotherly vices move you more strongly than paternal and ancestral virtues continuously done by us, repeated in men and even in women? Was it for this that I disrupted the peace with Pyrrhus, so that you might daily make treaties with the most wretched lovers? Did I lead out the water^^^ for that reason, so that you might use it unchastely? Did I build the road for that reason, so that you might frequent it as an escort to strange men?"
Chapter 35
But why have I, judges, brought a grim character on stage like this, when I may fear lest the same Appius should swiftly turn around and that woman begin to accuse Caelius harshly with her own censure? But I will see to this shortly and in this way, judges, that I am confident I will justify the life of Caelius to even the harshest judges.
Truly you, woman--for now I myself speak to you, with no play-acting involved--if you expect to test these things which you make, which you say, which you charge, which you attempt, then it is necessary that you render an account for and relate so great a familiarity, so great a habit, so great a bond of friendship. Indeed the prosecution keeps mentioning passions, loves, adultery, Baia, beach parties, dinner parties, carousing, songs, band music, and boat parties, and all the same they show that they say nothing about you having been invited. Whereas I don't know your mind, by which unbridled and impetuous thing you wished to be announced in the forum and in court, or it is proper that you explain, and show these things to be false, and confess that there is nothing to be believed in your charge or testimony.
---
* Literally, "mother of a family." Essentially, a well-born woman, especially a senator's wife.
** Note that the word used, "amicam", is both the female form of "friend" and also the word for "girlfriend". There's a lot of vicious wordplay in this sentence that I couldn't replicate very well.
*** Beard care--big unruly beards vs. trimmed smaller beards--was actually sort of an issue in the case, as Caelius's tidy beard was being seen as a sign that he belonged to Kids These Days With Their Fancy Haircuts.
^ A famous dead, blind censor who apparently opposed peace, and commissioned an aqueduct and a road.
^^ We're still in the hypothetical statements of a dead dude, here.
^^^ See the aqueduct note above.