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I spend a lot of time--perhaps overmuch--thinking about that very old question, "Am I my brother's keeper?" And also about the gap between intent and result.
It's one of the reasons I get uncomfortable whenever a conversation springs up about offense, and the giving thereof. Because ultimately we can only control intent and action, but I don't think that means we can only be held responsible for that, regardless of results. If I intend to throw a ball to my sister, and instead break your window, it's not unreasonable for you to demand that I pay for the window. (Or at least offer a sincere apology.) "I didn't mean to hit the window" makes the action less malicious, which is nice! A purposefully broken window is much more threatening than an accidentally broken one; indeed, it would legitimately require a greater response to make up for it. But either way, the window is still broken, and still needs to be repaired, and it was still me that threw that ball.
(I am reminded of a rather hilarious thought experiment by Lysias in which he writes out the argument for someone who has accidentally javelined a kid running across the field during javelin-throwing practice. At one point, he insists that it's the kid's fault entirely, so if anything he should be suing the father of the dead child for getting in the way of a good javelin toss...)
Of course, this is complicated when we get into the rather nebulous world of language and emotions. If I hurt your feelings inadvertently, it may help to know that it wasn't intentional--but then again, if I spend a lot of time insisting it's not my fault that your feelings are hurt, it's not likely to make you feel better, and it may make things a great deal worse. And if I don't trust you, or don't like you, and thus insist your feelings are false, or irrelevant to me--well. It gets sticky, doesn't it? To what degree am I responsible for the feelings of strangers? I would hate to upset a friend by accident, but some people are going to be upset by my very existence, and I'm not willing to stop existing to please them.
And some people will be upset because I did something downright upsetting, which I shouldn't have done, even though I didn't realize it at the time. Even though I meant well.
The hard part, as always, is determining which is which. And. Well. I reject the false dichotomy of "I can't please everyone, so fuck everyone who doesn't like what I do already." It's a grand plan for feeling smug, and possibly even for staying out of drama to an extent, but it doesn't make me a better person. But I certainly can't assume that every time someone is displeased with me they're more right than I am, ever.
I'm not really going anywhere with this so much as talking it out for my own reference. I guess it boils down to that old, useless saying: life is complicated. And being a responsible adult is more complicated still. I can see the lure of being irresponsible--it's so much simpler, especially in the short run--but since I'm not up for that, well. Many an uncomfortable time may yet lie ahead. So be it.
___
ETA: And on a related topic, a brilliant author says smart things about what we can and can't control in life, as to what we do and how people respond.
It's one of the reasons I get uncomfortable whenever a conversation springs up about offense, and the giving thereof. Because ultimately we can only control intent and action, but I don't think that means we can only be held responsible for that, regardless of results. If I intend to throw a ball to my sister, and instead break your window, it's not unreasonable for you to demand that I pay for the window. (Or at least offer a sincere apology.) "I didn't mean to hit the window" makes the action less malicious, which is nice! A purposefully broken window is much more threatening than an accidentally broken one; indeed, it would legitimately require a greater response to make up for it. But either way, the window is still broken, and still needs to be repaired, and it was still me that threw that ball.
(I am reminded of a rather hilarious thought experiment by Lysias in which he writes out the argument for someone who has accidentally javelined a kid running across the field during javelin-throwing practice. At one point, he insists that it's the kid's fault entirely, so if anything he should be suing the father of the dead child for getting in the way of a good javelin toss...)
Of course, this is complicated when we get into the rather nebulous world of language and emotions. If I hurt your feelings inadvertently, it may help to know that it wasn't intentional--but then again, if I spend a lot of time insisting it's not my fault that your feelings are hurt, it's not likely to make you feel better, and it may make things a great deal worse. And if I don't trust you, or don't like you, and thus insist your feelings are false, or irrelevant to me--well. It gets sticky, doesn't it? To what degree am I responsible for the feelings of strangers? I would hate to upset a friend by accident, but some people are going to be upset by my very existence, and I'm not willing to stop existing to please them.
And some people will be upset because I did something downright upsetting, which I shouldn't have done, even though I didn't realize it at the time. Even though I meant well.
The hard part, as always, is determining which is which. And. Well. I reject the false dichotomy of "I can't please everyone, so fuck everyone who doesn't like what I do already." It's a grand plan for feeling smug, and possibly even for staying out of drama to an extent, but it doesn't make me a better person. But I certainly can't assume that every time someone is displeased with me they're more right than I am, ever.
I'm not really going anywhere with this so much as talking it out for my own reference. I guess it boils down to that old, useless saying: life is complicated. And being a responsible adult is more complicated still. I can see the lure of being irresponsible--it's so much simpler, especially in the short run--but since I'm not up for that, well. Many an uncomfortable time may yet lie ahead. So be it.
___
ETA: And on a related topic, a brilliant author says smart things about what we can and can't control in life, as to what we do and how people respond.