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Now we’re up to Act III (the final act) of Casina. Last time, in our play:
Olympio drew the lot that said he gets to marry Casina! Everyone went to prepare the wedding feast! But then Chalinus discovered that (gasp) it’s actually all a ploy by Lysidamus to have sex with Casina! So he ran off to tell Cleostrata about it!
The first two acts are really there to build up to the comedy of the third act, so this is going to take a while. There are also some missing bits of the manuscript (mostly near the end), which will on occasion make the wacky sex jokes look even dirtier than they actually are. But for now, we pick up with Lysidamus and his friend Alcesimus, whose wife we saw with Cleostrata earlier...
Act 3
LYSIDAMUS: Now, Alcesimus, I will discover whether you’re the very model of a friend or of an enemy; now the proof is seen, now the contest is decided. You ask why I’m in love, well, put that aside! “Your white hair,” “the girl’s age,” put those aside! “What about your wife,” put that aside too right now.
ALCESIMUS: I’ve never seen anyone more wretchedly in love than you...
LYSIDAMUS: Empty your house!
ALCESIMUS: ...but by Pollux, it’s certain that I’ll send all of my slaves and slave-girls out of the house over to you.
LYSIDAMUS: Oh, you’re too cleverly clever! But see that you tend to what the blackbird sings in his verses; make sure they come “with grain, with everything,” as if they’re going to Sutrium.*
ALCESIMUS: I’ll remember.
LYSIDAMUS: There! For now at last, you’re clever without a decree. Take care; but now I must go to the forum; later I’ll be here.
ALCESIMUS: Good walking.
LYSIDAMUS: Make sure your house has a tongue.
ALCESIMUS: Huh?
LYSIDAMUS: When I come, it’ll be calling.**
ALCESIMUS: Ha! You’re a man who needs cutting down; you’re frolicking too much.
LYSIDAMUS: What use is it to be in love, unless I’m clever and loquacious? But you must be sure I don’t have to go looking for you.
ALCESIMUS: I’ll be at home until then.
[Both men exit: Alcesimus to his house, Lysidamus offstage. Cleostrata enters.]
CLEOSTRATA: By Castor, so this was what my husband was seeking so greatly, that I should hurry up to invite my neighbor here over to my place: so the house would be free for them to “marry” Casina there. In that case, I won’t invite her at all, so that the ability to get some free space won’t be there for those knaves, those old wethers!
But look, here comes that pillar of the community, that defender of the populace, my neighbor, who’s offering free space to my husband. He’d be priced too high if sold for as much as a bushel of salt.***
[Alcesimus enters.]
ALCESIMUS: I’m surprised that you haven’t yet invited my wife, next door here, who’s already been prepared for a while now at home, waiting to see if she’ll be invited over. But look, I think she’s being invited. Hello, Cleostrata.
CLEOSTRATA: The same to you, Alcesimus. Where’s your wife?
ALCESIMUS: She’s waiting for you inside, if you’re inviting her over; for your husband asked me to send her over from here to help you. Want me to call her?
CLEOSTRATA: Let her be; I’d rather you not, if she’s busy.
ALCESIMUS: She’s at leisure.
CLEOSTRATA: I don’t need anything; I don’t want to be a bother to her. I’ll meet up with her afterwards.
ALCESIMUS: Aren’t you decorating for the wedding at your house?
CLEOSTRATA: I’m decorating and preparing for it.
ALCESIMUS: So don’t you need an assistant?
CLEOSTRATA: There are plenty at home; when the wedding’s happened, then I’ll meet up with her. Now good day, and say the same to her.
ALCESIMUS: (Now what will I do? I wretchedly made the most thorough request for that shameless toothless billygoat’s plan, who gave me this duty. I promised to get my wife out of the house, like some lackey. It’s the request of the man who said to me that his wife would invite her; and she says not to bother her. By Pollux, I’d be surprised if this doesn’t reek to my neighbor here. However, if I’ll be able to reckon my account with her against this, as to what sort of thing this is, that’ll be my desire.)
Now I’ll go inside, and haul the ship back to her berth.
[Alcesimus leaves.]
CLEOSTRATA: Now he has been cleverly mocked. Let the old wretches scurry! Now I’d like that worthless man, my decrepit husband, to come, so that I can mock him in turn, after I’ve deceived this other man. For I’d like to create some quarrel among those two.
But look, he’s coming; but he looks so grim, you’d think he was a respectable man.
[Lysidamus enters.]
LYSIDAMUS: What great nonsense it is--that’s my opinion--that any man in love should go to the forum, on the same day that what he loves is available to; just like an idiot, I did that. I wasted the day in standing as advocate for some relative of mine. By Hercules, for that reason I’m glad he lost the case, so that he doesn’t call me as advocate for him today to no avail.
For at least to my thinking it’s proper that he who calls up advocates should ask beforehand, and ask particularly whether the man he’s calling has a mind for it or not. If he says he’s not got a mind for it, may he sent the mindless man home.^
But look, my wife’s in front of the house. Oh, miserable me! I fear that she’s not deaf enough, and may have heard these things.
CLEOSTRATA: (By Castor, I heard about your great wickedness.)
LYSIDAMUS: (I will approach swiftly.) What are you doing, my joy?
CLEOSTRATA: By Castor, I was waiting for you.
LYSIDAMUS: Is the place decorated now? Have you led off this woman, your neighbor, to our place, to help you?
CLEOSTRATA: I invited her, as you ordered. But this comrade of yours, your best friend, somehow got himself annoyed at his wife; he said, when I invited her, that he can’t send her.
LYSIDAMUS: This is entirely your fault; you’re not charming enough.
CLEOSTRATA: It’s not the duty of matrons, my husband, but of courtesans, to charm other women’s husbands. You go and invite her; I’m going inside because I wish to take care of what work there is to do, my husband.
LYSIDAMUS: So hurry!
CLEOSTRATA: Okay. (Now, by Pollux, I’ll hurl some fear into his chest. Today I’ll have this lover be the most wretched.)
[Cleostrata leaves; Alcesimus enters.]
ALCESIMUS: I’m here to see if the lover has come back home from the forum, who made fun of me and my wife, the madman. But look, he’s in front of the house. By Hercules, I was heading for you just now.
LYSIDAMUS: And by Hercules, I was heading for you. What are you saying, you man of little worth? What did I tell you to do? What did I beg of you?
ALCESIMUS: What is it?
LYSIDAMUS: How well you made the building empty for me! How you sent your wife here over to our house! Isn’t it enough for you that I’m dying, and the opportunity is dying?
ALCESIMUS: Why don’t you go hang yourself? You certainly said that your wife would be inviting my wife over.
LYSIDAMUS: And so she said she had invited her, and that you said you wouldn’t send her.
ALCESIMUS: But on the contrary, the very woman said to me that she wouldn’t bother with the task.
LYSIDAMUS: But the very woman told it to me, who invited that woman.
ALCESIMUS: But I think that’s worthless.
LYSIDAMUS: But you’re ruining me!
ALCESIMUS: But--good! But I was even waiting for a long time, but I want to do--but!--something harsh to you, but I will do it and it’ll please me! There will never be a “but” to you today more than to me. But by Hercules, may the gods indeed swiftly ruin you.
LYSIDAMUS: What now? Have you sent your wife to me?
ALCESIMUS: You may marry her, and you may go into the greatest cruel torture, with this woman, with that woman, and with your girlfriend too. Go away and take care of something else; I will now order my wife to go over to your wife, through the back yard.
LYSIDAMUS: Now you’re a friend to me, in a brotherly fashion.
[Alcesimus leaves.]
LYSIDAMUS: With what omen should I say this love is given to me? Or is it because I have ever offended Venus, me, to whom so many delays have come in the way of love?
Oh god! What’s that noise, I ask, that’s inside our house?
---
* The blackbird allusion is presumably to some other song or poem we’ve since lost; “as if they go to Sutrium” is an allusion to a forced march to Sutrium, the army carrying its provisions with it.
** This is a pun based on an archaic similarity between “to call” and “to be empty.”
*** Which is to say, very little. Anyone who has gotten the vague impression that salt was wildly expensive in Roman times should be disabused of such a notion; it was proverbially cheap, at least at this point.
^ The pun here is complex to translate, as it’s based on “to be sympathetic/interested” using “animus adesse”: literally, “the soul/mind being present.” And then it turns into “exanimatum,” which is “weakened” or “dead”, being without the soul... Anyway. *waves hands vigorously*
Olympio drew the lot that said he gets to marry Casina! Everyone went to prepare the wedding feast! But then Chalinus discovered that (gasp) it’s actually all a ploy by Lysidamus to have sex with Casina! So he ran off to tell Cleostrata about it!
The first two acts are really there to build up to the comedy of the third act, so this is going to take a while. There are also some missing bits of the manuscript (mostly near the end), which will on occasion make the wacky sex jokes look even dirtier than they actually are. But for now, we pick up with Lysidamus and his friend Alcesimus, whose wife we saw with Cleostrata earlier...
Act 3
LYSIDAMUS: Now, Alcesimus, I will discover whether you’re the very model of a friend or of an enemy; now the proof is seen, now the contest is decided. You ask why I’m in love, well, put that aside! “Your white hair,” “the girl’s age,” put those aside! “What about your wife,” put that aside too right now.
ALCESIMUS: I’ve never seen anyone more wretchedly in love than you...
LYSIDAMUS: Empty your house!
ALCESIMUS: ...but by Pollux, it’s certain that I’ll send all of my slaves and slave-girls out of the house over to you.
LYSIDAMUS: Oh, you’re too cleverly clever! But see that you tend to what the blackbird sings in his verses; make sure they come “with grain, with everything,” as if they’re going to Sutrium.*
ALCESIMUS: I’ll remember.
LYSIDAMUS: There! For now at last, you’re clever without a decree. Take care; but now I must go to the forum; later I’ll be here.
ALCESIMUS: Good walking.
LYSIDAMUS: Make sure your house has a tongue.
ALCESIMUS: Huh?
LYSIDAMUS: When I come, it’ll be calling.**
ALCESIMUS: Ha! You’re a man who needs cutting down; you’re frolicking too much.
LYSIDAMUS: What use is it to be in love, unless I’m clever and loquacious? But you must be sure I don’t have to go looking for you.
ALCESIMUS: I’ll be at home until then.
[Both men exit: Alcesimus to his house, Lysidamus offstage. Cleostrata enters.]
CLEOSTRATA: By Castor, so this was what my husband was seeking so greatly, that I should hurry up to invite my neighbor here over to my place: so the house would be free for them to “marry” Casina there. In that case, I won’t invite her at all, so that the ability to get some free space won’t be there for those knaves, those old wethers!
But look, here comes that pillar of the community, that defender of the populace, my neighbor, who’s offering free space to my husband. He’d be priced too high if sold for as much as a bushel of salt.***
[Alcesimus enters.]
ALCESIMUS: I’m surprised that you haven’t yet invited my wife, next door here, who’s already been prepared for a while now at home, waiting to see if she’ll be invited over. But look, I think she’s being invited. Hello, Cleostrata.
CLEOSTRATA: The same to you, Alcesimus. Where’s your wife?
ALCESIMUS: She’s waiting for you inside, if you’re inviting her over; for your husband asked me to send her over from here to help you. Want me to call her?
CLEOSTRATA: Let her be; I’d rather you not, if she’s busy.
ALCESIMUS: She’s at leisure.
CLEOSTRATA: I don’t need anything; I don’t want to be a bother to her. I’ll meet up with her afterwards.
ALCESIMUS: Aren’t you decorating for the wedding at your house?
CLEOSTRATA: I’m decorating and preparing for it.
ALCESIMUS: So don’t you need an assistant?
CLEOSTRATA: There are plenty at home; when the wedding’s happened, then I’ll meet up with her. Now good day, and say the same to her.
ALCESIMUS: (Now what will I do? I wretchedly made the most thorough request for that shameless toothless billygoat’s plan, who gave me this duty. I promised to get my wife out of the house, like some lackey. It’s the request of the man who said to me that his wife would invite her; and she says not to bother her. By Pollux, I’d be surprised if this doesn’t reek to my neighbor here. However, if I’ll be able to reckon my account with her against this, as to what sort of thing this is, that’ll be my desire.)
Now I’ll go inside, and haul the ship back to her berth.
[Alcesimus leaves.]
CLEOSTRATA: Now he has been cleverly mocked. Let the old wretches scurry! Now I’d like that worthless man, my decrepit husband, to come, so that I can mock him in turn, after I’ve deceived this other man. For I’d like to create some quarrel among those two.
But look, he’s coming; but he looks so grim, you’d think he was a respectable man.
[Lysidamus enters.]
LYSIDAMUS: What great nonsense it is--that’s my opinion--that any man in love should go to the forum, on the same day that what he loves is available to; just like an idiot, I did that. I wasted the day in standing as advocate for some relative of mine. By Hercules, for that reason I’m glad he lost the case, so that he doesn’t call me as advocate for him today to no avail.
For at least to my thinking it’s proper that he who calls up advocates should ask beforehand, and ask particularly whether the man he’s calling has a mind for it or not. If he says he’s not got a mind for it, may he sent the mindless man home.^
But look, my wife’s in front of the house. Oh, miserable me! I fear that she’s not deaf enough, and may have heard these things.
CLEOSTRATA: (By Castor, I heard about your great wickedness.)
LYSIDAMUS: (I will approach swiftly.) What are you doing, my joy?
CLEOSTRATA: By Castor, I was waiting for you.
LYSIDAMUS: Is the place decorated now? Have you led off this woman, your neighbor, to our place, to help you?
CLEOSTRATA: I invited her, as you ordered. But this comrade of yours, your best friend, somehow got himself annoyed at his wife; he said, when I invited her, that he can’t send her.
LYSIDAMUS: This is entirely your fault; you’re not charming enough.
CLEOSTRATA: It’s not the duty of matrons, my husband, but of courtesans, to charm other women’s husbands. You go and invite her; I’m going inside because I wish to take care of what work there is to do, my husband.
LYSIDAMUS: So hurry!
CLEOSTRATA: Okay. (Now, by Pollux, I’ll hurl some fear into his chest. Today I’ll have this lover be the most wretched.)
[Cleostrata leaves; Alcesimus enters.]
ALCESIMUS: I’m here to see if the lover has come back home from the forum, who made fun of me and my wife, the madman. But look, he’s in front of the house. By Hercules, I was heading for you just now.
LYSIDAMUS: And by Hercules, I was heading for you. What are you saying, you man of little worth? What did I tell you to do? What did I beg of you?
ALCESIMUS: What is it?
LYSIDAMUS: How well you made the building empty for me! How you sent your wife here over to our house! Isn’t it enough for you that I’m dying, and the opportunity is dying?
ALCESIMUS: Why don’t you go hang yourself? You certainly said that your wife would be inviting my wife over.
LYSIDAMUS: And so she said she had invited her, and that you said you wouldn’t send her.
ALCESIMUS: But on the contrary, the very woman said to me that she wouldn’t bother with the task.
LYSIDAMUS: But the very woman told it to me, who invited that woman.
ALCESIMUS: But I think that’s worthless.
LYSIDAMUS: But you’re ruining me!
ALCESIMUS: But--good! But I was even waiting for a long time, but I want to do--but!--something harsh to you, but I will do it and it’ll please me! There will never be a “but” to you today more than to me. But by Hercules, may the gods indeed swiftly ruin you.
LYSIDAMUS: What now? Have you sent your wife to me?
ALCESIMUS: You may marry her, and you may go into the greatest cruel torture, with this woman, with that woman, and with your girlfriend too. Go away and take care of something else; I will now order my wife to go over to your wife, through the back yard.
LYSIDAMUS: Now you’re a friend to me, in a brotherly fashion.
[Alcesimus leaves.]
LYSIDAMUS: With what omen should I say this love is given to me? Or is it because I have ever offended Venus, me, to whom so many delays have come in the way of love?
Oh god! What’s that noise, I ask, that’s inside our house?
---
* The blackbird allusion is presumably to some other song or poem we’ve since lost; “as if they go to Sutrium” is an allusion to a forced march to Sutrium, the army carrying its provisions with it.
** This is a pun based on an archaic similarity between “to call” and “to be empty.”
*** Which is to say, very little. Anyone who has gotten the vague impression that salt was wildly expensive in Roman times should be disabused of such a notion; it was proverbially cheap, at least at this point.
^ The pun here is complex to translate, as it’s based on “to be sympathetic/interested” using “animus adesse”: literally, “the soul/mind being present.” And then it turns into “exanimatum,” which is “weakened” or “dead”, being without the soul... Anyway. *waves hands vigorously*