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We’re in the next to last act of Casina. When we left off, Olympio and Lysidamus were standing outside the door, waiting for Casina to finally emerge and marry Olympio, so that they can both have sex with her. Chalinus has been disguised as the bride by the women inside, so one can guess that this will probably not end well for our senex or vilicus.
Act IV, Scene 4
[Pardalisca and Cleostrata enter.]
PARDALISCA: (Now Casinus is scented from a distance.)* Gently lift your feet over the threshold, new bride. Begin this journey safely, so that you may always stand over your husband, and so that you may be stronger in your power, and so that you overcome your husband and be the victor, may your voice overcome him and his power; may your husband dress you, and may you strip him, day and night, so that you are cunning towards your husband, I ask you, remember.
OLYMPIO: By Hercules, that was done with her greatest wickedness, when she went astray [from the formula] just a little bit.
LYSIDAMUS: Hush!
OLYMPIO: I won’t.
LYSIDAMUS: Why not?
OLYMPIO: The wicked woman is bewitched a wicked girl wickedly!**
LYSIDAMUS: You’ll make this matter unprepared for me, right when it’s all ready. Whatever they’re trying to do, they’re undoing these things.
CLEOSTRATA: Come on, Olympio, when you want your wife, accept her from us.
OLYMPIO: So give her, if you’re ever going to give me a wife today.
LYSIDAMUS: Come out from inside.
[Chalinus enters, veiled and dressed as a bride.]
CLEOSTRATA: Please, be gentle with this untouched and inexperienced girl.
OLYMPIO: So it shall be. Goodbye.
LYSIDAMUS: Now go, go.
CLEOSTRATA: Goodbye, now.
[Pardalisca and Cleostrata return to the house.]
LYSIDAMUS: Now has my wife left?
OLYMPIO: She’s in the house; don’t worry.
LYSIDAMUS: Hurrah! Now, by Pollux, I’m finally free. My little heart, my little honey, my little spring...***
OLYMPIO: Hey, now, damn you, if you’re wise, be careful. This girl’s mine.
LYSIDAMUS: I know, but she’s my booty first.
OLYMPIO: Hold this lamp.
LYSIDAMUS: Okay, I’ll hold it. Great and powerful Venus, you have given many good things to me, when you gave me the bounty of this girl.
OLYMPIO: Oh, the supple little body! My little wife--what’s this?
LYSIDAMUS: What is it?
OLYMPIO: She stomped on my foot like an elephant.
LYSIDAMUS: Please hush. A cloud is hardly soft enough to equal this girl’s chest.
OLYMPIO: By Pollux, the beautiful breast--oh, miserable me!
LYSIDAMUS: What is it?
OLYMPIO: She struck my chest not with an elbow, but a battering ram.
LYSIDAMUS: Well, what do you expect, when you’re dragging her around with such a rough hand? But I’m treating her lightly, so she’s not attacking me.^ Oof!
OLYMPIO: What’s the matter?
LYSIDAMUS: Just look, what a strong little thing she is! She nearly knocked me out with her elbow.
OLYMPIO: It means she wants to get laid.^^
LYSIDAMUS: So, shall we go?
OLYMPIO: Go gently, little warrior-woman.
[The three men enter the house of Alcesimus.]
Act V, Scene 1
[A moment later, as some time is supposed to have passed, Myrrhina, Cleostrata, and Pardalisca enter from Cleostrata’s house.]
MYRRHINA: Well and thoroughly pleased, we come out from inside onto this road, to see the wedding games. By Castor, I never before laughed so much as on this day, nor do I think the rest of my life could hold anything more laughable.
PARDALISCA: Chalinus may know what he’s doing, the new he-bride with the new husband.
MYRRHINA: No playwright ever created a slyer trick than what was so skillfully made by us.
CLEOSTRATA: Now it’s best to rely on word of mouth for what’s happening to the old man; there’s no more worthless old man than him alive... Unless indeed he’s judged to be more worthless, the one who gave him a place for his crime. Now I want you to be in charge here, Pardalisca, so that you can mock whoever comes out.
PARDALISCA: I’ll do it willingly, as I usually do.
CLEOSTRATA: Watch there for everything done inside. Stand behind me, please.
MYRRHINA: And there you can be more audacious, and speak as freely as you like.
CLEOSTRATA: Hush; your door rattled.
[Olympio enters from Alcesimus’s house.]
OLYMPIO: I don’t know where I’ll flee, or where I’ll lie hidden, or how I’ll conceal this disgrace; the master and I have surpassed so great a thing with our weddings. Now I am so ashamed and now I am so terrified and now we are both such laughing-stocks. Now I, a foolish man, do new things. Who is shamed first is not ever ashamed.
Pay attention, while I recount my deeds;^^^ it is worth the trouble to receive it with your ears; these things are so ridiculous to hear, they must be recounted, which I stirred up inside.
When I led this new bride inside, I straight away carried her off into the bedroom. But there were shadows there as dark as inside a well. While the old man went outside, I said, “Lie down.” I arrange her, support her, wheedle her, caress her, so that I may accomplish my wedding before the old man. I was slow to start right then, because [...]. I look around repeatedly, so that the old man won’t [...].
First I beg for her mouth as an enticement to fornication. She pushed away my hand, and didn’t even let me give her mouth to myself. For now [...], now I hasten more, now I want to rush into Casina; I want to steal that act away from the old man in secret; I shut the door, so that the old man won’t catch me.
CLEOSTRATA: Just go on, you come over here.
OLYMPIO: By Hercules, I’m dying! The matter is revealed.
PARDALISCA: So it’s fair that the whole matter to be confessed in order. What was done inside? What did Casina do? Was she compliant enough?
OLYMPIO: It’s embarrassing to say.
PARDALISCA: Recount it in order, as you began.
OLYMPIO: By Hercules, it’s embarrassing.
PARDALISCA: Do it boldly. After you got into an unfamiliar bed, from there I want you to recount what happened.
OLYMPIO: It’s shameful.
PARDALISCA: Take care lest those who are listening make it so.
OLYMPIO: [...] this is great.
PARDALISCA: You’re dying. But you continued?
OLYMPIO: Indeed!
PARDALISCA: [...] was?
OLYMPIO: Oh, the very greatest. [...] would be afraid; I began to ask it. [...] While I asked whether she had a sword, I seized a hilt. But when I think about it, she didn’t have a sword, for it would’ve been cold.
PARDALISCA: Keep speaking.
OLYMPIO: But I’m embarrassed.
PARDALISCA: Was it a radish?
OLYMPIO: It wasn’t.
PARDALISCA: A cucumber?
OLYMPIO: Truly by Hercules [...] it was no sort of vegetable; unless, whatever sort it was, it had grown while never suffering injury; it was that big, whatever it was.
PARDALISCA: So what was it? Analyze it.
OLYMPIO: When I speak to Casina, I say, “Please, my little wife, why do you spurn me, your husband, in this way? By Hercules, you really do these things to me unjustly, who longed to have you for my own.” But she says not a word, and encloses with her dress that which makes you women. When I see that the ravine is impassable, I ask if she’ll allow me to pass through the other route.
I wish, as it is turned against me, in the bedroom [...]. She mutters other [...]. I rise, and into her in [...] and that woman in [...]
MYRRHINA: He tells the story very wittily [...].
OLYMPIO: Mouth [...] thus as if bearded lips of the mouth sting me. I continue on the knees as I stand, she strikes my chest with her feet. I fall down from the bed suddenly; she springs up and strikes me in the mouth. Then fleeing swiftly I go outside here, dressed as you see, so that the old man will drink from the very same cup which I drank from.
PARDALISCA: That’s for the best. But where is your cloak?
OLYMPIO: I left it inside there.
PARDALISCA: What now? Was it done cleverly enough for your hands?
OLYMPIO: Justly. ...but the door is creaking. Is that girl following me now?
[Lysidamus enters from the same place Olympio did.]
LYSIDAMUS: I burn with the greatest shame, and I don’t know what I’ll do with my affairs, or how I’ll look my wife in the eyes; I am so dead. All the shameful deeds are out in the open; I die as a wretch in every direction. [...] thus I am held in plain sight by the throat. [...] I know in what ways I might hide myself from my wife.
[...] and I am a decloaked wretch, [...] for a clandestine wedding. [...] I think [...] it is best for me. [...] inside toward my wife, and I will submit my back to her for punishment.
But look, what man wishes to perform this duty in my place? I don’t know what I’ll do now, unless I imitate wicked slaves, and flee the house; for there’s no health for my shoulders, if I return home.% I want to speak about these mockeries; by Hercules, I am unwillingly flogged nevertheless, as if I deserved bad results. I will give the details forthwith, and then run away.
[Chalinus enters as himself, at last.]
CHALINUS: Hey! Stop there, lover.
LYSIDAMUS: I’m dead! I’m called back; I’ll go away as if I didn’t hear.
CHALINUS: Where are you, he who thinks to practice the morals of Massillaea?%% If you still want to have sex with me, it’s the right occasion. Come back into the bedroom, please. By Hercules, you’re dead. Go on, just take this; now I’ll have caught an arbitrator outside the courtroom with you.%%%
LYSIDAMUS: I’m dead! The man will beat my loins with that club there. This journey must be taken; because that loin-breaker is in the way.
[Lysidamus crosses the stage to avoid Chalinus, and encounters Cleostrata.]
CLEOSTRATA: A good evening to you, lover.
LYSIDAMUS: Look, my wife is in the way too! Now I’m between the sacrifice and the knife, and I don’t know where to flee. Here wolves, here dogs; the wolfish omen brings the matter towards clubbing. By Hercules, I guess I’ll go change the old saying now; here I go; I hope the doggish omen will be better for me.
CLEOSTRATA: What are you doing, bigamist? My husband, whence have you come here thus dressed? What did you do with your staff, or what happened to your cloak?
MYRRHINA: I believe he lost it in adultery, while he was committing adultery with Casina.
LYSIDAMUS: I’m dead!
CHALINUS: Are we even going to sleep together? I’m Casina.
LYSIDAMUS: Go away into a wicked torture.
CHALINUS: Don’t you love me?
CLEOSTRATA: Don’t answer that; what was done to your cloak?
LYSIDAMUS: The Bacchae, wife, by Hercules--
CLEOSTRATA: The Bacchae.
MYRRHINA: He’s knowingly mocked, for by Castor, no Bacchae are playing now.
LYSIDAMUS: I forgot; but nevertheless the Bacchae--
CLEOSTRATA: What Bacchae?
LYSIDAMUS: If it couldn’t happen--
CLEOSTRATA: By Castor, you’re afraid.
LYSIDAMUS: I? By Hercules, you’re lying.
CLEOSTRATA: But you’re quite pale. [...] what to me [...] you ask me? [...] badly [...] to me [...] I congratulate. [...] old man [...] this “Casinus” is [...] who here [...]
OLYMPIO: [...] twice. Who made even me a famous wretch with his floggings.
LYSIDAMUS: Won’t you be quiet?
OLYMPIO: By Hercules, I will not be quiet; for you begged me very greatly to ask for Casina as a wife for the sake of your love.
LYSIDAMUS: Oh, I did this?
OLYMPIO: No, Hector Ilius!
LYSIDAMUS: Really, shut up. Did I do those things which you said?
CLEOSTRATA: You’re even asking?
LYSIDAMUS: By Hercules, if I really did it, I did it wretchedly.
CLEOSTRATA: Just come back inside; I’ll remind you, if you’ve forgotten the slightest bit.
LYSIDAMUS: By Hercules, I think, I’d rather believe you than hear you say it. But wife, do this favor to your husband. Myrrhina, ask Cleostrata. If ever again I should love Casina, or even begin to, so that I won’t love her, if I ever go to such a wretched length again, there is no reason why you shouldn’t beat me dangling with a rod, wife.
MYRRHINA: By Castor, I judge I would come for this event.
CLEOSTRATA: I’ll do as you order. Now after this matter here I grant you this favor for a lighter burden, that I won’t make this long story any longer.
LYSIDAMUS: You’re not angry?
CLEOSTRATA: I’m not angry.
LYSIDAMUS: Do I believe your promise?
CLEOSTRATA: It’s mine.
LYSIDAMUS: No one ever had a sweeter wife anywhere than this one I have here.
CLEOSTRATA: Now come on, give back his staff and his cloak.
CHALINUS: Take it, if you like. By Pollux, the greatest injury was done to me by this mark; out of two grooms, neither did to me what marks out a new bride.
[The rest of the actors leave the stage, while Chalinus addresses the audience.]
Spectators, what will happen inside, you will remember. This Casina will be discovered to be the daughter of the neighbor here, and she’ll marry Euthynicus, the son of our master. Now it is fair that you give the worthy wages with your worthy applause.
Whoever applauds, he will always lead the prostitute he likes in secret from his wife; but whoever doesn’t clap his hands as brightly as he’s able, for him a nauseating goatish smell he’ll get in the place of a prostitute.
---
[...] -- Missing sections are marked as such.
* There are two levels of wordplay going on here; “Casinus” as the male form of Casina (because a man is dressing up as the bride), and the “scented” part is both a word that’s been used often in this play for “noticed” while also being a play on the cinnamon reference in the name “Casina.” What with there being a food theme running through the play anyway. It’s a weak joke, but an interesting one.
** Mala malae male monstrat!
*** The season, not the water source. It’s even sillier in Latin: meum corculum, melculum, verculum!
^ There’s an excellent pun here on bella (beautiful) and bellum (war) that, alas, I cannot render usefully into English.
^^ I regret the loss of many excellent puns in this section, I really do. Who knew you could get a pun out of “elbow” and a euphemism for having sex with someone? Yet there it is.
^^^ In Latin theater, it’s not unusual for an actor to turn and address the audience directly, especially when giving an account of what’s happened off-stage.
% That is, he’ll be beaten. The joke for the Roman audience is that the old man, legal head of the entire household, is acting like a slave afraid that he’s been caught in some misdeed.
%% The best modern city to slot in this place would probably be San Francisco.
%%% This is a joke about the staff he took from Lysidamus inside the bedroom.
Act IV, Scene 4
[Pardalisca and Cleostrata enter.]
PARDALISCA: (Now Casinus is scented from a distance.)* Gently lift your feet over the threshold, new bride. Begin this journey safely, so that you may always stand over your husband, and so that you may be stronger in your power, and so that you overcome your husband and be the victor, may your voice overcome him and his power; may your husband dress you, and may you strip him, day and night, so that you are cunning towards your husband, I ask you, remember.
OLYMPIO: By Hercules, that was done with her greatest wickedness, when she went astray [from the formula] just a little bit.
LYSIDAMUS: Hush!
OLYMPIO: I won’t.
LYSIDAMUS: Why not?
OLYMPIO: The wicked woman is bewitched a wicked girl wickedly!**
LYSIDAMUS: You’ll make this matter unprepared for me, right when it’s all ready. Whatever they’re trying to do, they’re undoing these things.
CLEOSTRATA: Come on, Olympio, when you want your wife, accept her from us.
OLYMPIO: So give her, if you’re ever going to give me a wife today.
LYSIDAMUS: Come out from inside.
[Chalinus enters, veiled and dressed as a bride.]
CLEOSTRATA: Please, be gentle with this untouched and inexperienced girl.
OLYMPIO: So it shall be. Goodbye.
LYSIDAMUS: Now go, go.
CLEOSTRATA: Goodbye, now.
[Pardalisca and Cleostrata return to the house.]
LYSIDAMUS: Now has my wife left?
OLYMPIO: She’s in the house; don’t worry.
LYSIDAMUS: Hurrah! Now, by Pollux, I’m finally free. My little heart, my little honey, my little spring...***
OLYMPIO: Hey, now, damn you, if you’re wise, be careful. This girl’s mine.
LYSIDAMUS: I know, but she’s my booty first.
OLYMPIO: Hold this lamp.
LYSIDAMUS: Okay, I’ll hold it. Great and powerful Venus, you have given many good things to me, when you gave me the bounty of this girl.
OLYMPIO: Oh, the supple little body! My little wife--what’s this?
LYSIDAMUS: What is it?
OLYMPIO: She stomped on my foot like an elephant.
LYSIDAMUS: Please hush. A cloud is hardly soft enough to equal this girl’s chest.
OLYMPIO: By Pollux, the beautiful breast--oh, miserable me!
LYSIDAMUS: What is it?
OLYMPIO: She struck my chest not with an elbow, but a battering ram.
LYSIDAMUS: Well, what do you expect, when you’re dragging her around with such a rough hand? But I’m treating her lightly, so she’s not attacking me.^ Oof!
OLYMPIO: What’s the matter?
LYSIDAMUS: Just look, what a strong little thing she is! She nearly knocked me out with her elbow.
OLYMPIO: It means she wants to get laid.^^
LYSIDAMUS: So, shall we go?
OLYMPIO: Go gently, little warrior-woman.
[The three men enter the house of Alcesimus.]
Act V, Scene 1
[A moment later, as some time is supposed to have passed, Myrrhina, Cleostrata, and Pardalisca enter from Cleostrata’s house.]
MYRRHINA: Well and thoroughly pleased, we come out from inside onto this road, to see the wedding games. By Castor, I never before laughed so much as on this day, nor do I think the rest of my life could hold anything more laughable.
PARDALISCA: Chalinus may know what he’s doing, the new he-bride with the new husband.
MYRRHINA: No playwright ever created a slyer trick than what was so skillfully made by us.
CLEOSTRATA: Now it’s best to rely on word of mouth for what’s happening to the old man; there’s no more worthless old man than him alive... Unless indeed he’s judged to be more worthless, the one who gave him a place for his crime. Now I want you to be in charge here, Pardalisca, so that you can mock whoever comes out.
PARDALISCA: I’ll do it willingly, as I usually do.
CLEOSTRATA: Watch there for everything done inside. Stand behind me, please.
MYRRHINA: And there you can be more audacious, and speak as freely as you like.
CLEOSTRATA: Hush; your door rattled.
[Olympio enters from Alcesimus’s house.]
OLYMPIO: I don’t know where I’ll flee, or where I’ll lie hidden, or how I’ll conceal this disgrace; the master and I have surpassed so great a thing with our weddings. Now I am so ashamed and now I am so terrified and now we are both such laughing-stocks. Now I, a foolish man, do new things. Who is shamed first is not ever ashamed.
Pay attention, while I recount my deeds;^^^ it is worth the trouble to receive it with your ears; these things are so ridiculous to hear, they must be recounted, which I stirred up inside.
When I led this new bride inside, I straight away carried her off into the bedroom. But there were shadows there as dark as inside a well. While the old man went outside, I said, “Lie down.” I arrange her, support her, wheedle her, caress her, so that I may accomplish my wedding before the old man. I was slow to start right then, because [...]. I look around repeatedly, so that the old man won’t [...].
First I beg for her mouth as an enticement to fornication. She pushed away my hand, and didn’t even let me give her mouth to myself. For now [...], now I hasten more, now I want to rush into Casina; I want to steal that act away from the old man in secret; I shut the door, so that the old man won’t catch me.
CLEOSTRATA: Just go on, you come over here.
OLYMPIO: By Hercules, I’m dying! The matter is revealed.
PARDALISCA: So it’s fair that the whole matter to be confessed in order. What was done inside? What did Casina do? Was she compliant enough?
OLYMPIO: It’s embarrassing to say.
PARDALISCA: Recount it in order, as you began.
OLYMPIO: By Hercules, it’s embarrassing.
PARDALISCA: Do it boldly. After you got into an unfamiliar bed, from there I want you to recount what happened.
OLYMPIO: It’s shameful.
PARDALISCA: Take care lest those who are listening make it so.
OLYMPIO: [...] this is great.
PARDALISCA: You’re dying. But you continued?
OLYMPIO: Indeed!
PARDALISCA: [...] was?
OLYMPIO: Oh, the very greatest. [...] would be afraid; I began to ask it. [...] While I asked whether she had a sword, I seized a hilt. But when I think about it, she didn’t have a sword, for it would’ve been cold.
PARDALISCA: Keep speaking.
OLYMPIO: But I’m embarrassed.
PARDALISCA: Was it a radish?
OLYMPIO: It wasn’t.
PARDALISCA: A cucumber?
OLYMPIO: Truly by Hercules [...] it was no sort of vegetable; unless, whatever sort it was, it had grown while never suffering injury; it was that big, whatever it was.
PARDALISCA: So what was it? Analyze it.
OLYMPIO: When I speak to Casina, I say, “Please, my little wife, why do you spurn me, your husband, in this way? By Hercules, you really do these things to me unjustly, who longed to have you for my own.” But she says not a word, and encloses with her dress that which makes you women. When I see that the ravine is impassable, I ask if she’ll allow me to pass through the other route.
I wish, as it is turned against me, in the bedroom [...]. She mutters other [...]. I rise, and into her in [...] and that woman in [...]
MYRRHINA: He tells the story very wittily [...].
OLYMPIO: Mouth [...] thus as if bearded lips of the mouth sting me. I continue on the knees as I stand, she strikes my chest with her feet. I fall down from the bed suddenly; she springs up and strikes me in the mouth. Then fleeing swiftly I go outside here, dressed as you see, so that the old man will drink from the very same cup which I drank from.
PARDALISCA: That’s for the best. But where is your cloak?
OLYMPIO: I left it inside there.
PARDALISCA: What now? Was it done cleverly enough for your hands?
OLYMPIO: Justly. ...but the door is creaking. Is that girl following me now?
[Lysidamus enters from the same place Olympio did.]
LYSIDAMUS: I burn with the greatest shame, and I don’t know what I’ll do with my affairs, or how I’ll look my wife in the eyes; I am so dead. All the shameful deeds are out in the open; I die as a wretch in every direction. [...] thus I am held in plain sight by the throat. [...] I know in what ways I might hide myself from my wife.
[...] and I am a decloaked wretch, [...] for a clandestine wedding. [...] I think [...] it is best for me. [...] inside toward my wife, and I will submit my back to her for punishment.
But look, what man wishes to perform this duty in my place? I don’t know what I’ll do now, unless I imitate wicked slaves, and flee the house; for there’s no health for my shoulders, if I return home.% I want to speak about these mockeries; by Hercules, I am unwillingly flogged nevertheless, as if I deserved bad results. I will give the details forthwith, and then run away.
[Chalinus enters as himself, at last.]
CHALINUS: Hey! Stop there, lover.
LYSIDAMUS: I’m dead! I’m called back; I’ll go away as if I didn’t hear.
CHALINUS: Where are you, he who thinks to practice the morals of Massillaea?%% If you still want to have sex with me, it’s the right occasion. Come back into the bedroom, please. By Hercules, you’re dead. Go on, just take this; now I’ll have caught an arbitrator outside the courtroom with you.%%%
LYSIDAMUS: I’m dead! The man will beat my loins with that club there. This journey must be taken; because that loin-breaker is in the way.
[Lysidamus crosses the stage to avoid Chalinus, and encounters Cleostrata.]
CLEOSTRATA: A good evening to you, lover.
LYSIDAMUS: Look, my wife is in the way too! Now I’m between the sacrifice and the knife, and I don’t know where to flee. Here wolves, here dogs; the wolfish omen brings the matter towards clubbing. By Hercules, I guess I’ll go change the old saying now; here I go; I hope the doggish omen will be better for me.
CLEOSTRATA: What are you doing, bigamist? My husband, whence have you come here thus dressed? What did you do with your staff, or what happened to your cloak?
MYRRHINA: I believe he lost it in adultery, while he was committing adultery with Casina.
LYSIDAMUS: I’m dead!
CHALINUS: Are we even going to sleep together? I’m Casina.
LYSIDAMUS: Go away into a wicked torture.
CHALINUS: Don’t you love me?
CLEOSTRATA: Don’t answer that; what was done to your cloak?
LYSIDAMUS: The Bacchae, wife, by Hercules--
CLEOSTRATA: The Bacchae.
MYRRHINA: He’s knowingly mocked, for by Castor, no Bacchae are playing now.
LYSIDAMUS: I forgot; but nevertheless the Bacchae--
CLEOSTRATA: What Bacchae?
LYSIDAMUS: If it couldn’t happen--
CLEOSTRATA: By Castor, you’re afraid.
LYSIDAMUS: I? By Hercules, you’re lying.
CLEOSTRATA: But you’re quite pale. [...] what to me [...] you ask me? [...] badly [...] to me [...] I congratulate. [...] old man [...] this “Casinus” is [...] who here [...]
OLYMPIO: [...] twice. Who made even me a famous wretch with his floggings.
LYSIDAMUS: Won’t you be quiet?
OLYMPIO: By Hercules, I will not be quiet; for you begged me very greatly to ask for Casina as a wife for the sake of your love.
LYSIDAMUS: Oh, I did this?
OLYMPIO: No, Hector Ilius!
LYSIDAMUS: Really, shut up. Did I do those things which you said?
CLEOSTRATA: You’re even asking?
LYSIDAMUS: By Hercules, if I really did it, I did it wretchedly.
CLEOSTRATA: Just come back inside; I’ll remind you, if you’ve forgotten the slightest bit.
LYSIDAMUS: By Hercules, I think, I’d rather believe you than hear you say it. But wife, do this favor to your husband. Myrrhina, ask Cleostrata. If ever again I should love Casina, or even begin to, so that I won’t love her, if I ever go to such a wretched length again, there is no reason why you shouldn’t beat me dangling with a rod, wife.
MYRRHINA: By Castor, I judge I would come for this event.
CLEOSTRATA: I’ll do as you order. Now after this matter here I grant you this favor for a lighter burden, that I won’t make this long story any longer.
LYSIDAMUS: You’re not angry?
CLEOSTRATA: I’m not angry.
LYSIDAMUS: Do I believe your promise?
CLEOSTRATA: It’s mine.
LYSIDAMUS: No one ever had a sweeter wife anywhere than this one I have here.
CLEOSTRATA: Now come on, give back his staff and his cloak.
CHALINUS: Take it, if you like. By Pollux, the greatest injury was done to me by this mark; out of two grooms, neither did to me what marks out a new bride.
[The rest of the actors leave the stage, while Chalinus addresses the audience.]
Spectators, what will happen inside, you will remember. This Casina will be discovered to be the daughter of the neighbor here, and she’ll marry Euthynicus, the son of our master. Now it is fair that you give the worthy wages with your worthy applause.
Whoever applauds, he will always lead the prostitute he likes in secret from his wife; but whoever doesn’t clap his hands as brightly as he’s able, for him a nauseating goatish smell he’ll get in the place of a prostitute.
---
[...] -- Missing sections are marked as such.
* There are two levels of wordplay going on here; “Casinus” as the male form of Casina (because a man is dressing up as the bride), and the “scented” part is both a word that’s been used often in this play for “noticed” while also being a play on the cinnamon reference in the name “Casina.” What with there being a food theme running through the play anyway. It’s a weak joke, but an interesting one.
** Mala malae male monstrat!
*** The season, not the water source. It’s even sillier in Latin: meum corculum, melculum, verculum!
^ There’s an excellent pun here on bella (beautiful) and bellum (war) that, alas, I cannot render usefully into English.
^^ I regret the loss of many excellent puns in this section, I really do. Who knew you could get a pun out of “elbow” and a euphemism for having sex with someone? Yet there it is.
^^^ In Latin theater, it’s not unusual for an actor to turn and address the audience directly, especially when giving an account of what’s happened off-stage.
% That is, he’ll be beaten. The joke for the Roman audience is that the old man, legal head of the entire household, is acting like a slave afraid that he’s been caught in some misdeed.
%% The best modern city to slot in this place would probably be San Francisco.
%%% This is a joke about the staff he took from Lysidamus inside the bedroom.